Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year

Hello my friends!
How are you?
I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, Aug I think.
I am doing ok, anxiety and depression are still by my side and I am fighting my way through day by day.
I am sorry this isn't going to be a happy post or one with pretty pictures, but I wanted to say to you all that I am so grateful for everything you have given me these last three years of blogging.
I have met some wonderful friends, some near and some far and some that I will have forever.
I thank you for those that have emailed to check up on me, I really cant' tell you how much that means to me.
I have been absent from my computer, using it mainly for printing pictures for my paintings.  Painting has helped me and I can get lost in it and not worry what my brain is thinking or not thinking.
I have sold a few to friends and hopefully this year, when I am ready, I can get them out there.
Depression is so up and down and there are days that my brain can't stop racing with things that I need to do, what to do, don't want to do, should do, I get pulled into so many directions that I can't concentrate on one thing.  I feel like there are so many ways to go, so many choices, but at the same time I feel bound or tied up like in a straight jacket struggling to get a sense of a normal feeling or direction.
I know that many of you struggle with the same thing, and for that I am so very sorry.  Please know that you are not alone.
I never know what the day is going to bring for me, sad, happy, angry, numb. All of these run through me.  I cry, I yell, I shut the world out at times.  I feel alone even though I am surrounded by people.  I can't make them understand something that I don't even understand.  Frustration plays a big part in it too as well as physical pain, which does not hinder me but it is just one of those reminders that the depression is still there.
I am set off by things one time and then another I am fine.
The meds are helping but it could take up to a year or so.  So while they work on my chemicals I struggle to work on my heart and soul.
I see a therapist, which is ok but the most help that I have gotten through this is my Spiritual Director.  She has been amazing and she is an artist as well, which helps so much.  She has shown me how to put my words that I cannot find into my art and writing, although I am not much of a writer.
There are good things that have come from this thing called Depression, I have learned many things about myself, even relearned things that I have long put aside.  I have done things that I normally would not have done, like fly all by myself to see my best friend.  Believe me that is one huge leap!! :)
Anyway, I know we all struggle with something, that's life I guess, no one is shielded from the hurt.  But we are also made to conquer things, get through them the best we know how.  Who knows, we may even help someone else who is struggling with the same thing.
We do our best as mothers, fathers, sons and daughters and I have realized that there are no "super" people, just people living their lives, feeling pain, sorrow, regret, happiness, joy, anger and love and doing what is best for them. 
I suppose struggles are good for us, make us stronger and make us look deeper if we choose to and maybe, in the end, in the light, we will find peace and joy and a better understanding of who we are, who God really made us to be and closer to Him.
I long for the top of the pit that I am slowly crawling out of and I know I will gt there one step at a time, one day at a time.  I am aware of set backs and I aware that this may be something that I deal with the rest of my life.  But I guarantee one thing to myself, that I will never let it fully consume me and I will fight because fortunately for me, I am too stubborn to give up and my heart and soul are strong because I know that He is carrying me until I can walk on my own two feet again.
I am also writing this to tell you that this is my last post.
My heart has been drawn into a different direction and I must listen to it for now.
I can't thank you all enough for all your amazing support through the years, I am so blessed to have been a part of a wonderful network of woman who truly care.
I will leave my blog up for a while and my email is always, always open.
I will also be stalking you from time to time, seeing what amazing things you have come up, what inspirational words you have written from your heart and just to say hi.
Today is not a good day for me but tomorrow is a new day, a new year.
I wish you love, blessings, joy and yes, even struggles because without those, we cannot truly appreciate the joy that He has blessed us all with. 
Stay positive in this world of hurt and never lose sight of the light that He shines for us.
I love you all and may God bless you in many ways.

Many, many hugs to you all!!!!!


Thursday, August 23, 2012

My Long Hot Summer

I know that it has been a while since I last posted.
It seems like this summer has gone fast but also drug on like no other I have ever had.
We had HOT temps in the high 90's and 100's which is rare for Michigan and we had no rain for months, a drought that shriveled up fields of nutrients, grass, trees and one of the most important things to me,
my head and my soul.

I have told you about my panic attacks and even took a break from blogging.  What I didn't know that all these were leading up to something that I never imagined myself in the midst of....
depression, obsessive thoughts and severe anxiety.

I withdrew from everything that I loved to do, blogging, painting, decorating, family and friends.  I didn't really know it at the time but as I look back I could see it all spiraling down.  I only wanted to be in my house, safe.  However, I thought that moving would be an answer so we put our house up for sale and I threw myself in to cleaning and packing things away, which I think only made things worse.  I didn't need the added worry.

I went to see my doctor about medications because nothing else was working, we tried some meds and they only made things worse.  I cried everyday and something as simple as putting socks on my sons feet made me fall to my knees and cry, an overwhelming feeling of the day, things I needed to do but could not gather myself to do them.  

June was horrible,  I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.  I didn't get dressed for days and I lost my appetite.  Days went by and my family would come help me, encourage me that things were going to be ok.  But what they, nor I knew, was that something worse was bubbling up inside, a feeling of deep despair, a feeling of no longer wanting to be on this earth, not suicide or hurting myself or others, but if I didn't wake up in the morning that would have been fine with me. 

I held that inside of me until I could no longer stand it.  I called my dad and told him one morning and my parents were over right away to comfort me, help me, try to guide me the best that they knew how.

Days went on like this until my dad did some research on a drug that didn't give horrible side effects.  I called my doctor and got a prescription.  Unfortunately it was too late, because the bottom suddenly dropped out from under me.  I had a severe panic attack and sobbed and cried uncontrollably.  My husband called my dad and he came over and decided to take me to the ER.

Once there they evaluated me and offered me one of two choices; I either go home and continue on the medication and get a therapy appt or I check into the Behavioral Health Center on the sixth floor.
I decided to stay knowing that I needed help now.

It was scary being in a place that you see horrible things on TV, but I can tell you it was no way like that.  Everyone was amazing, caring and truly concerned and wanted to see us get healthy.  I was admitted July 3rd and stayed until July 6th.

It became a place of safety for me, knowing that there were others who knew what I was feeling, a place to talk freely and listen to others who had advice.
It was a positive experience for me.

When I came home, that was hard, leaving my security and the friends I had made in a short time, wondering and probably never knowing how they are doing.  I had distractions and coping skills to get me through that next week, my daughter played basketball all week and that was wonderful to watch.

Mornings were the hardest for me, anxiety would stay with me for most of it until the meds kicked in.
We then went on vacation to my most favorite place in the world, Glen Lake with my family.  I healed, I cried, I struggled and I laughed.

As of today, I feel good, I feel not normal but the closest I have been to it in a while.  The meds are working and luckily with few side effects, I am really tired all the time and find myself napping, which I never do.  I have more good days than bad and I even started painting again.
We decided not to sell the house, I don't think I could go through that right now so I am slowing putting back  all the things I have packed away.

I haven't been on the computer much, just not ready for it.  I have been taking things day by day, trying not to worry about what is next.  I am trying not to be so hard on myself and always feel like I should be doing something.  If my body says rest, I rest.  The weather has lifted its hot spell and I am trying to enjoy what is left of summer but I am so excited for fall, crisp clean air, cool nights and just a new season not only for Mother Nature but for me.  

The reason for what happened to me was the depletion of serotonin in my brain.  Events since my heart attacks never allowed them to build back up and slowly, unknowingly I was heading towards the events of this summer.  I know it will take time and help, which I am getting on a regular basis not only from a therapist but also my pastor, I have lots of guilt from my heart attacks and many many questions.

I know that I could not have made it without my family and friends.  My dad was over almost every day, helping me with the kids and just encouraging me.  My mom was supportive and listened to me everyday cry on the phone.  For those of you who wrote to see how I was doing, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I know that God is carrying me through this and I know that He will let me walk soon never leaving my side.
I am not sure if I will be the same person I was, my biggest fear is not being able to recognize that girl.  Maybe I will be stronger, maybe not.  But I do know that I won't give up and I will try to be the best person that I am, not the person that I think I should be.

Depression can take you quickly and sometimes you don't even know that it is happening.  Depression is a disease that needs to be treated like any other medical condition.  Sometimes meds are needed to balance out the chemicals in your brain, just like diabetes needs meds to balance out what your body can't produce. You are not crazy, you just need help, and there are people that can help.  I truly believe that if I did't have the help that I did or did not choose to check myself in, things would have been worse and that scares me more than anything.

I won't be blogging much, maybe here and there, I am still healing and taking it day by day.
Please forgive me if I don't answer you or it takes me a while.  I love you all and miss you very much.
Thank you for letting me share my story and I know that I may always struggle with it but now I know that I can control it and perhaps conquer it.

Many hugs to you!!!!


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Hello and Guest Post

Hello Hello Hello!!
How are you?  I am missing you so!
I am doing well.  I still haven't heard from my results yet from my monitor but hopefully this week I will.  I have been feeling better but still have small episodes every now and then.  
I have been painting alot and loving the therapy that it gives me.
Here are a few that I finished.

Again these are still from the step by step book by artist Jaqueline Penney, but for my next painting and I am stepping out on my own!
OOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!  ;)

We have been busy with kid things again, which is good and the kids are loving it!

I just wanted to pop in today to say hello and to let you know that I am over at  A Sort of A FairyTale with my house tour.  Stacey is so sweet and while you there, take a look at her home, it is so pretty and she has been working hard.

Anyway, I hope you are all well and enjoy the rest of the week!
I can't believe that May is already here, I am so excited for summer!!!




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