Thursday, August 23, 2012

My Long Hot Summer

I know that it has been a while since I last posted.
It seems like this summer has gone fast but also drug on like no other I have ever had.
We had HOT temps in the high 90's and 100's which is rare for Michigan and we had no rain for months, a drought that shriveled up fields of nutrients, grass, trees and one of the most important things to me,
my head and my soul.

I have told you about my panic attacks and even took a break from blogging.  What I didn't know that all these were leading up to something that I never imagined myself in the midst of....
depression, obsessive thoughts and severe anxiety.

I withdrew from everything that I loved to do, blogging, painting, decorating, family and friends.  I didn't really know it at the time but as I look back I could see it all spiraling down.  I only wanted to be in my house, safe.  However, I thought that moving would be an answer so we put our house up for sale and I threw myself in to cleaning and packing things away, which I think only made things worse.  I didn't need the added worry.

I went to see my doctor about medications because nothing else was working, we tried some meds and they only made things worse.  I cried everyday and something as simple as putting socks on my sons feet made me fall to my knees and cry, an overwhelming feeling of the day, things I needed to do but could not gather myself to do them.  

June was horrible,  I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.  I didn't get dressed for days and I lost my appetite.  Days went by and my family would come help me, encourage me that things were going to be ok.  But what they, nor I knew, was that something worse was bubbling up inside, a feeling of deep despair, a feeling of no longer wanting to be on this earth, not suicide or hurting myself or others, but if I didn't wake up in the morning that would have been fine with me. 

I held that inside of me until I could no longer stand it.  I called my dad and told him one morning and my parents were over right away to comfort me, help me, try to guide me the best that they knew how.

Days went on like this until my dad did some research on a drug that didn't give horrible side effects.  I called my doctor and got a prescription.  Unfortunately it was too late, because the bottom suddenly dropped out from under me.  I had a severe panic attack and sobbed and cried uncontrollably.  My husband called my dad and he came over and decided to take me to the ER.

Once there they evaluated me and offered me one of two choices; I either go home and continue on the medication and get a therapy appt or I check into the Behavioral Health Center on the sixth floor.
I decided to stay knowing that I needed help now.

It was scary being in a place that you see horrible things on TV, but I can tell you it was no way like that.  Everyone was amazing, caring and truly concerned and wanted to see us get healthy.  I was admitted July 3rd and stayed until July 6th.

It became a place of safety for me, knowing that there were others who knew what I was feeling, a place to talk freely and listen to others who had advice.
It was a positive experience for me.

When I came home, that was hard, leaving my security and the friends I had made in a short time, wondering and probably never knowing how they are doing.  I had distractions and coping skills to get me through that next week, my daughter played basketball all week and that was wonderful to watch.

Mornings were the hardest for me, anxiety would stay with me for most of it until the meds kicked in.
We then went on vacation to my most favorite place in the world, Glen Lake with my family.  I healed, I cried, I struggled and I laughed.

As of today, I feel good, I feel not normal but the closest I have been to it in a while.  The meds are working and luckily with few side effects, I am really tired all the time and find myself napping, which I never do.  I have more good days than bad and I even started painting again.
We decided not to sell the house, I don't think I could go through that right now so I am slowing putting back  all the things I have packed away.

I haven't been on the computer much, just not ready for it.  I have been taking things day by day, trying not to worry about what is next.  I am trying not to be so hard on myself and always feel like I should be doing something.  If my body says rest, I rest.  The weather has lifted its hot spell and I am trying to enjoy what is left of summer but I am so excited for fall, crisp clean air, cool nights and just a new season not only for Mother Nature but for me.  

The reason for what happened to me was the depletion of serotonin in my brain.  Events since my heart attacks never allowed them to build back up and slowly, unknowingly I was heading towards the events of this summer.  I know it will take time and help, which I am getting on a regular basis not only from a therapist but also my pastor, I have lots of guilt from my heart attacks and many many questions.

I know that I could not have made it without my family and friends.  My dad was over almost every day, helping me with the kids and just encouraging me.  My mom was supportive and listened to me everyday cry on the phone.  For those of you who wrote to see how I was doing, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I know that God is carrying me through this and I know that He will let me walk soon never leaving my side.
I am not sure if I will be the same person I was, my biggest fear is not being able to recognize that girl.  Maybe I will be stronger, maybe not.  But I do know that I won't give up and I will try to be the best person that I am, not the person that I think I should be.

Depression can take you quickly and sometimes you don't even know that it is happening.  Depression is a disease that needs to be treated like any other medical condition.  Sometimes meds are needed to balance out the chemicals in your brain, just like diabetes needs meds to balance out what your body can't produce. You are not crazy, you just need help, and there are people that can help.  I truly believe that if I did't have the help that I did or did not choose to check myself in, things would have been worse and that scares me more than anything.

I won't be blogging much, maybe here and there, I am still healing and taking it day by day.
Please forgive me if I don't answer you or it takes me a while.  I love you all and miss you very much.
Thank you for letting me share my story and I know that I may always struggle with it but now I know that I can control it and perhaps conquer it.

Many hugs to you!!!!



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